Updated: Nov 11, 2019
The journey never ends.
How true as I contemplated my next move.
I had felt the stirrings for quite some time to expand my coaching business into more teaching/speaking. The HOW was serendipitously dropping crumbs along the path for me to follow. A new client arrived, enthusiastic about my work and teachings and she open the door to a group of people that desperately needed my message. I reached out to the leader and had a great conversation with him with the intention to set a date for me to come and share...crickets ensued.
Life is filled with rejection. It is hard to take no matter who you are. But for some of us who have an old shame story that visits us in these trigger susceptible moments, it has the power to take us down to deeper depths of despair that are hard to crawl out and back out of.
The rational part of me understands that indeed I may not be a fit for this particular group. The leader may also be very busy and not able to get back to me when I want him to but rather as his schedule allows.
Regardless of the possible circumstances, when an old shame story is triggered and emerges, rationality flies out the window fast.
What is this old shame story that wreaked havoc on my psyche and instantly paralyzed my progress? The shame story is a disgraceful experience that happened to me when I was 4. I was mortified, embarrassed, disgraced, and thus felt disgraceful. The story my precious mind created from the shame was: I am disgraceful. I am not worth being known. I am to be laughed at. I am stupid. The life I then unconsciously created was: I cannot be seen or heard, for if I am, I will be shamed again...and I can't have that...that is way too painful.
I had done a lot of heartwork to heal this shame story. Obviously, I am a coach now that offers this type of guidance for others. What the heck? Why is it here again and with such voracity? I refer to the first few sentences of this missive and the truth that we heal in layers. Our shame message also visits us to test us. Ego is relentless. He will try and try and try. He loves our shame stories and wants to keep them alive. The good news is that if we have engaged in intentional heartwork, the shame story is just a visitor. We have tools to deal and process the feelings much quicker, thank goodness.
But this one was hovering much longer than I wanted. It reminded me of all of my mistakes in life and tried to convince me that this is my lot. Mistakes that started off as beautiful giving intentions, but turned into nothing but loss or more shameful feelings.
I kept seeing The Dodgeball Incident from 6th grade and I felt the full, deep shame of it. I knew I had some heartwork to do. It's weird being a Coach, knowing the mind/skillset tools, and knowing that I had to find someone to do an inner child exercise with me to release it. This is also how the Divine works with your intuition. Too many times we dismiss the urgings the Divine team is orchestrating to help us heal. They were showing me what I needed, and after a few weeks of misery, I finally conceded and called Kevin.
Kevin is a brilliant Coach in the making. He had taken my full 12 Week Unleash Program with full commitment and verve. His perspective is unique and powerful, and we clearly resonate on a similar frequency, able to work together in tough times such as this one.
We began to engage in the Inner Child exercise where we visit our younger self. During this particular exercise, the coach asks the coachee who they would like to bring with them for support. I want to take a second here to explain how I did not think through any of this prior to our session. It is a present state of being to put yourself into during a session, and I knew how transformative and necessary it was to do this with a trusted partner/coach. This is why the Divine kept urging me for weeks to do this with someone.
To my surprise, I felt led to bring Mary Magdalene with me on my time travel to my younger self. I had no idea she would come up...(do not underestimate your intuitive voice...I went with it). Over the past year, she had been coming up quite a bit as I created various teachings within my blogs and posts.
As we went deeper into the experience, I was absolutely blown away at what happened. She held me so tight and would not let go and had the most perfect, beautiful message for me. (This is all unfolding in my mind's eye.) For you see, I was not raised with hugs, affection, or I love you's. My parents were the products of alcoholic parents that did not know how to emotionally support them, thus they did not know how to do that for me or my siblings either. Mary knew this. She wanted me to feel love. She continued to hold me against her chest, so lovingly and with such compassion. She said that I knew truth. I was good at learning truth, (the truth of shame and it's affects) but I needed to feel truth, feel love, in order to heal and let go of this tragic memory. We stayed like this, I in her care and simply feeling her embrace. It did something magical. It completely melted away my shame. I felt such understanding and compassion for myself rather than judgement and I could offer it to my younger self and my current adult self. She explained how Jesus stepped in and stood up for her. He showed her love, gave her importance and value, when no one else did. She was doing this for me. Oh how I gushed with love and gratitude.
It is hard to put into words the enlightened importance this time with Mary gave me. I feel her by my side now. I feel her constant comfort and compassion. It lightens my load. My session was a life transforming moment that I will never ever forget. It has made in indelible beauty mark in my life that cannot be undone.
Had I not been rejected by this leader, I would not have known how strong my old shame story still resided within me.
Wow. Contemplate that. Oh how narrow minded we can be. The Divine has a big picture plan...when we take heed to their cues, we are led down a wondrous path that will always steer us in the right direction.
I invite you to investigate any Shame stories that my still reside in you. They wreak havoc on our lives and relationships. Here is a link to some videos and a mini-course I created about Shame.
I am also available for a complimentary breakthrough consultation to get some clarity and see if I could be of guidance to you on your journey.
With Accountability, love, and some fun,