Is Compromise Killing Your Relationships?
Updated: Nov 11, 2019
Date with Me Before You Go on Another Date, was the name of my first Mentoring MeetUp on a Friday night. Twenty–two eager seekers arrived to my apartment clubhouse.
About thirty minutes into our meeting, a tiny hand rose in the front row. I welcomed her comment, “I’m a b__ch to my boyfriend, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t like being that way, but I can’t help myself. I need help,” her sweet voice revealed.
Yes! I had an honest seeker in the house. I knew her example would be powerful. I started asking questions.
Me: “Why are you crabby to your boyfriend?”
Tiny: Because he does things I don’t like. I’m so mean.
Me: What does he do that you don’t like?
Tiny: Well…I love him…I’m such a b__ch.
He goes out a lot. He drinks a lot and smokes. I hate smoking. I promised myself I would never date someone who smoked.
Me: Why did you break your promise to yourself?
Tiny: I don’t know. He’s really nice. He’s a good guy.
Me: Whenever your heart is in conflict, you will not have peace. You are not following your heart and instead compromising it. This is where your crabbiness comes from. You are trying to shut off your heart, but that is impossible. The heart lets us know when we are out of sync with our true desires.
Do you want to change your perspective about smoking?
Tiny: No. I can’t stand it.
Me: Then you have a choice to make. Stay in conflict or not. Let’s dig some more if we could. Would you look at the Compatibility Compass with me?
Me: The Compatibility Compass is a great way to measure what is important to us. Let’s break it down.
Tiny went on to describe what each of the 7 categories on the Compatibility Compass meant to her. Then she told me how important it was to be compatible with her partner in each category. Then she rated the compatibility she had with her boyfriend.
The results were not surprising. All of the categories she deemed important needed to have a compatibility of 8 or higher on a scale of 1-10. Her compatibility with her boyfriend did not exceed past 2 in most areas. She was over-compromising.
The exercise was very powerful for Tiny. She came back the next week having broken up with her boyfriend. She continued to come back, week after week, learning and sharing. She struggled at first, feeling like she was being mean by breaking up. It usually feels awkward at first when one is not accustomed to holding true to their boundaries and authenticity. We compromise ourselves so much that it can actually feel more natural to compromise than to be true.
We discovered a fun, spirited Tiny. She wasn’t a crabby person at all. She giggles a lot and is adventurous. When she compromised her true heart’s desires, she stole joy from her own heart, and became crabby. Tiny learned to self-reflect and recognize when she felt herself become crabby. She would ask herself, "What am I compromising?" "Do I need to have a clearing conversation with someone, or do I need to make a change?"
How important is compatibility to you?
Are you being true to your authenticity or are you compromising?
We are to Love your neighbor as yourself. You come first. You gotta love and care for you in order to make healthy choices and love others.
The course I referred to can be found in my school: HeartWorkUniversity.
You can also peruse my website for free assessments for dating and relationship, just click on the tab selftests.
Contact Me, I love Questions!
With Accountability, Love, and some Fun,