There is something so powerful and gives you direct insight into the person you are dating and whether you should take it any further.
It’s easy too.
All it requires is a question.
The problem is that people wimp out and are unwilling to ask or they are unwilling to really listen to what is being said.
No more. Ask away. This is your heart we are talking about. Be honestly and kindly bold. The other way doesn’t work anymore in dating and I want to bring about a total revolution in how you date. Honesty and authenticity are the ways to reap your keeper. It is worth risking the awkward feeling you will have at first when you inquire.
What is the question?:
What happened in your last relationship?
You will glean tons of information even if they refuse to answer this question.
If someone says they do not want to talk about it…run cuz you’re done…if you are interested in reaping your keeper. If your keeper includes cleaning up a big portion of their inner mess with them, then I guess you can go for it. Sounds like a lot of work to me. We underestimate how much HeartWork someone needs when they are that far behind the curve. Knowing what happened in your last relationship is one of those foundational questions that tells you exactly where someone is. When they don’t know, they have not moved forward emotionally at all and you will be reaping the consequences of major unresolved conflict.
Let’s say they claim to know what happened but their answer shoots up a red flag for you. As I share in another blog, red means stop. We learned this in kindergarten and we need to keep remembering it. Red flags are really a feeling we get inside our heart that says I am really not comfortable with this…please get away. We ignore our heart’s stirrings, and we continue forward because nobody’s perfect. Red flags with their stirrings are our internal filtering device. Let’s honor our own magical filtering device inside of us.
Let’s say they know what happened and it still insights great pain for them. I hate to break it to you…this is mucho HeartWork too. Again, unless you are up to the task of cleaning up that much stuff, ya gotta scram sam.
You may believe I am being too picky or too harsh. I am attempting to be a truth beam - a beam of laser sharp truth that wakes you up out of your slumber to the realities that are unfolding in your dating life. I coach many people who are on the path, doing the work, and they attempt to date someone with high compatibility. It's a total thrill, but if their date has not done their heartwork, disaster strikes 99% of the time....too late after hearts were given away. I ask, "Are you tired of this cycle." They emphatically say, "Yes!" And they get strong again in their conviction and start asking this question of their dates and really listening to the answer. Most of us are experiential learners. If we don't make this learning curve wrong by judging ourselves, we whip into shape in no time.
After I had attained enough confidence in who I was and what I wanted, I remained super strong in my conviction for a harmonious relationship. I absolutely would not settle. Harmony can only happen with 2 people that have ransacked their baggage. The What happened question helps you access how much baggage they have really quick.
If you have cleaned out a lot of baggage and you still attract others with a ton, that is a sign that you are not holding true to you and your requirements. Head over to heartworku.com and take the Dater's Attraction Assessment. You will learn exactly where you are and how much HeartWork you have yet to do in order to reap your keeper.
If you have done your HeartWork and you are still attracting dates that you really like but who still have a lot of baggage, this is your test as to whether you will be true to you. Check out my blog: Are You Picky & Filter Quickly. When you have arrived, you will say NO and move on quick. The sooner you get to your No, the sooner you get to your Yes.
This was my test and I failed many times until I was darn sick of the date-go-round. My only alternative was to hold strong to my requirements and refuse go forward even one day with someone where I would need to do too much of the work of their baggage. It worked out beautifully.
For entertainment purposes and as examples, let’s look at some What happened answers I ignored that cost me emotionally, financially and far too much of my life. Who we date is a direct frequency reflection of how we feel about ourselves and how strong we will hold true to what is important to us. You will see in the following how my low self-worth affected my choices.
My Learn by My Mistakes Examples
E didn’t know why he and his last girlfriend of 2 years broke up with him. He admitted to being a stalker after their demise. He never did give me an answer. I soon saw why she left because of how difficult he was. After far too long of investing in this narcissist, I left. And, not surprisingly, he stalked me too.
S had never had a girlfriend before and he was nearing 30. What happened that he had never had a girlfriend? He certainly could not articulate anything. I believe it was because or his love of porn and strip clubs. This was new to me. I listened to the garbage of people saying boys will be boys rather than my heart, because he was super funny. I needed laughter so much that I ignored everything else. HUGE LIFE LESSON MISTAKE. Needless to say, it is never worth it to trade something that is not a fit for something that is.
J said that she was bi-polar. But, he was still not over her. He really loved her. And, she claimed he was crazy. They fought horribly but he still fought for her and was even willing to have more children (he already had 3 children of his own and she was much younger than him) in order to keep her. I was entranced by his honesty, his adorable children and the fact that he was a little league coach with a high status job. I discovered that indeed, he was crazy. I would call him a drama addict, which is crazy in my book. His life from childhood onward was high drama. He felt more comfortable fighting for love rather than engaging in healthy communication with me.
I hope you are convinced to seriously consider asking the What happened question and really listening to their answers. Just asking raises your confidence in your unique authenticity and requirements.
Be patient for your perfectly imperfect keeper that is loving, harmonious and has greatly diminished their drama.
With Accountability, Love, and some Fun,
Kim O