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  • Writer's pictureKim O

Did the Initial Attraction...die?

Updated: Nov 11, 2019

Attraction is that indescribable spark that erupts from your inmost being. There is no work involved. It is simply there without effort. Whatever it is about that person, you just know it turns you on and you are thinking, "I want that."

As you move beyond attraction, you discover compatibilities, incompatibilities, and dirt.

Unfortunately, many relationships hinge upon this initial attraction and how good it made them feel. They place too many expectations on attraction.

Attraction is not relationship sustaining.

The more we get to know a person, their dirt can make them unattractive and cause too much work to now try and sustain the feelings from the initial attraction. In the beginning, everyone is most susceptible to putting their best attractive foot forward, hiding their dirt deep in the ground. It takes time to pull the dirty roots out.

Continuing down the unfortunate path of how many relationships unfold, many engage in emotionally stirring activities such as deep intimacy or sex before they have pulled out the roots. Because an emotional bond through intimacy has been established before the roots were exposed, many will move forward and try to make a relationship work even if they might be better off ending it. Suddenly the relationship becomes difficult, a strain, frustrating, or disappointing because they found some roots they were not expecting.

This process sounds backwards doesn't it?

This is how people are dating. This is one of the main reasons why dating and relationship success is dismally low.

I am a proponent of being honest about the effects of intimacy or other emotionally bonding activities engaged in too soon while dating.

The root issue: Not really knowing the truth of who someone is and where they are before diving into relationship. 

You are basically diving into relationship with an imposter. Yes, an imposter. And, I have my suspicions that you may not fully know yourself and what you want before diving in as well. So, I have an addendum to the root issue:

Not knowing yourself and what you want too.

A person that knows themselves and what they want, will most likely take the time to get to know their date. They have invested in themselves first. They will naturally be more intentional about who they date long term. This person has peace within their heart, has forgiven their past, and has healthy boundaries and requirements for relationship. They choose to understand the fairytale effect of the initial attraction and act accordingly.

Someone who does not embrace their authenticity and has not dumped the junk in their trunk, will bank on the initial attraction. New love is a respite from their challenges and inner conflicts. New love is like wearing rainbow colored glasses. All is right with the world.

Compatibilities, incompatibilities and dirt matter! A whole-lotta! I'd love to lie to you and say they don't, but they do. You must go into dating armed with what I consider the crude essentials:

  1. Authenticity - knowing and embracing your unique self (that you are the Bomb Diggety)

2. Compatibility - knowing what you want (your Absolute Requirements for Relationship because You matter)

3. History - you've done your HeartWork which mainly consists of forgiveness work, including resolving residual hurts, resentments, angers, and disappointments.

Dating is meant to be an adventurous filtering process. In fact, I wish I could change the name dating to fun filtering.

I have a dating formula from the Dating Skills portion of my Unleash Your SuperHero Online Programs for Men & Women that solves this all too prolific issue among daters who foster relationships with someone who is Not their keeper. I will give you a sneak peek at the first element to this formula (keep in mind, it is most beneficial if you are confidently stable in your authenticity and compatibility when you institute the formula in your dating practice).


You must be light in your approach to dating. You must be in it to simply have fun and GET TO KNOW SOMEONE. Just get to know them in the beginning. Spend time doing things you both enjoy. Internally, you are observing if they are who they say they are. You cannot go into dating with guns blazing and heavy seriousness about how you must find your match. Let their true colors be revealed. People cannot hide them forever.

You must get grounded in the reality of who you are. You must dare to be you and dare to have absolute requirements for relationship. You must engage in serious HeartWork surrounding your past History. You must do all of these things so that you can approach dating - Light.

Your Keeper is waiting for you to make your move!

Contact Me. I love Questions!

With Accountability, Love and some Fun,

Kim O

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